The Happy, Happy, Hinamazawa Hour!
by Neokage Tokage
Summary: The show Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni is being blamed for all of societies woes. In order to appease the angry masses, Keiichi and the rest have to do a new spin-off the benefits society...
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This was an idea I came up with at work when I had nothing to do except mindless busywork. I realized this may be good enough to share when I kept catching myself laughing as I came up with new segments. Just for the record. I **LOVE **Higurashi. It's possibly my favorite anime, however I'm also a firm believer in picking on the things that I love. Some of the readers may find the jokes somewhat offensive. So if you think you will be offended treat yourself to the authentic Japanese censorship experience! It's simple! Just stare at a picture of a boat and listen to Yanni or some other sleepy,boring music. Anyway, you will need to have seen both seasons of this to get most of the jokes so be prepared. Finally may all posters of flame reviews find themselves on the painful end of K1's Louisville slugger. So, on that note...

**Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Violence/Somewhat offensive humour/Spoilers... no seriously**...

Recently in Japan, the usually peaceful general public have experienced a strange spike in violence. The Media scrambled for a scapegoat to blame the recent events on to serve up to the panicking masses. Who was to blame for this! The carnage taking the Japanese streets by storm! Corrupting the children, and dragging morality, nay! Human decency through the mud. The Japanese reporters, at the end of their ropes turned their wary eyes west for answers. What would the western media do in this situation? Wait! Of Course!! Entertainment was to blame!

"Anime is corrupting our children!" The news echoed all through Japan. "This is no longer entertainment. These are guide books on damning yourself and all those you care about!" Ranted the newscaster waving a copy of the Higurashi manga in front of the camera. "I mean, this blatantly shows people being killed, and then people are killed in our streets! Coincidence? It is time that this filth is banned as snuff porn!!"

Meanwhile, In an executive boardroom, the cast of Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni sat at a round table meeting, nervously awaiting the decision of their P.R. people on how to fix the media circus threatening the series. "This is such crap." Mumbled Keiichi rocking in his black leather chair folding his arms behind his head.

"Calm down, Keiichi. This will all wash over soon enough." Rena said, trying to mask her own concern. An awkward silence filled the room, but was soon broken by the sound of the door opening as several very serious looking business men filed into the front of the room.

"We've talked it over with the President of the company and we have all come to a conclusion." The shortest of the group said while adjusting his dark rimmed glasses.

"What is it?" Rika asked. " According to the views of the media, you, and your show has damaged the very fragile minds of the general public. As well as humanity as we know it. To fix this, we must do a spin-off show that provides a service to that, previously stated humanity." The business man replied. The cast looked at each other, not knowing what to say until Shion broke the silence.

"What kind of spin-off?"

...one week later.

**It's The Happy, Happy Hinawazawa Learning Hour For Kids! Starring Kei-Kei! Reading Rena! Math Masters, Mion and Shion!The Learning Lolis Friendly Furude, Happy Hanyu, and Smiling Satoko. The sultan of science Dr. Takano, and safety tips with Officer Oiishi. **The Happy, Happy Hinamazawa Learning Hour For Kids! is **b**rought to you by Angel-mort. Eat at Angel-mort! Because it's 1983, and they haven't built Hooters yet.

The cheerful music subsides as a spotlight fades in on Keiichi. "Since when when can Angel-mort afford advertising?" Keiichi asks someone off stage not realizing he's already on camera. "I can guess what kind of budget to expect on this piece of...Oh! Hey everybody! Are we all ready to learn?" Keiichi asks the off-screen audience with force enthusiasm as childlike voices respond with an enthusiastic "Yeah!" "Ok...yeah, so todays show is brought to you by the letter "H", the color "red", and the number "3". So without further delay let's meet our friend, Reading Rena!"Keiichi motions to his left eager to get off the camera. Rena nervously blushes as the spotlight falls upon her.

"Uh... Hi, um kids." She waves half-heartedly, as she leans in to Keiichi. "Um, Kei-chan. I really don't know what to say..." Keiichi scratches back of his head trying to hide the frustration.

" Well it's simple, Rena just teach us all about "H".Rena's face goes beat-red in embarrassment.

"K-Kei-chan how can you even suggest that!! I..I mean how would_** I**_ know?! You're the pervert!" Keiichi stands for a moment dumbfounded.

"Wait, what? Uh...No! Not that kind of "H"! the letter! I mean tell them about the letter!" Kei screams holding up his hands in defense.

"Ooooh." Rena sighs in relief. "Well, "H" is a great letter that is needed in all sorts of words such as...umm. Hat!" Rena says cheerfully pointing at the white hat on her head. She smiles in self-satisfaction, pleased with her quick thinking.

"And..." Keiichi coaxes, trying to move the show along. "Umm... and in the word...Hau!" Rena Chirps. Keiichi pauses at a loss for words. Finally gathering himself he asks what everyone is thinking. "

"Hau?" What is "Hau"?" Rena smiles to the camera.

"Well, to explain that I'll need to use a visual aid. Rika!!" Rena calls off stage. A reluctant Rika walks in wearing a very frilly maid's outfit. Rena immediately begins overheating. "Hau!! I want to take you home!!" She says blubbering over a now looking quite alarmed Rika. The camera closes up on Keiichi who slaps his forehead in frustration.

"Rena, you can't just make up words!" When he looks up however, he sees that Rika and Rena have both vanished. "Aw hell... We'll be back after a few commercials kids! Sit tight!" Keiichi calls over his shoulder to the camera before running off the stage. Off camera, you can hear Kei yelling "Ooishi! I need you to file a "missing persons" report!" as the scene fades to Jiro smiling at the camera.

"Hi everyone! Do you have trouble finding that special someone? I sure did. I had thought that I found "that certain special someone" but she just wanted to inject me with level 5. Then I found Catch.con. Their system matched me up with hundreds of singles. So now the only thing I'm injected with...is love." A disembodied voice chimes in as Jiro winks at the camera. "Catch.con. For when you're last date tried to kill tried to kill you."

That's it for now. Will Keiichi be able to bring the crew together for this epic failure of a show? Find out. Same Hinamazawa time. Same Hinawazawa channel.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Once again, hello to all! First and foremost, I would like to thank D Lo Jones and Shiruwanasu for the reviews. The reviews keep me motivated so keep 'em coming. So before I get going with this update, a small fun-fact for you. I more or less came up with this whole story at work, three weeks ago. However, being that my job is quite active I could only manage to jot down the jokes in a series of notes With no rhyme or reason to the order. All missing details I'm just making up as I go along.

**Rated: T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Somewhat offensive humor and spoilers**... Seriously, if you didn't know this by now how'd you make it to chapter 2?

"Welcome back to the Happy,Happy Hinamazawa Learning Hour for Kids! Now back to our Host Kei-Kei!", bellows an obnoxiously loud voice over cheerful music, while the cameras focus in on K1 and a group standing in a huddle formation.

"Alright guys. I just got off the phone with our boss. He says to stop teaching the kids made-up words." Keiichi says, while looking at Rena and Rika. "So, no more "Haus","Miis",or "Nippahs"!" Rena looks at the camera as Keiichi is talking and taps him on the shoulder to get his attention, before exclaiming in a loud whisper, "

Kei-chan, we are back!" Everyone except Keiichi and Rika scramble from the stage.

"Hello again kids. We're here with our good friend, Friendly Farude." Rika waves to the camera with a smile

"Mi-I mean hi everyone. I'm very happy to meet you all." Keiichi motions to a stage hand to bring Rika a microphone as well.

"So Rika, what will you be teaching our younger viewers today?" Rika grabs the mic from the stage hand, and then turns her attention back to the camera.

"Well Kei-Kei, I'll be showing the boys and girls how to make animal noises." Keiichi chuckles to himself at how adorable this all was.

"Well that should be fun. Let's begin." Rika nods slightly in agreement.

"Everyone, this is a kitty. Now repeat after me. Nyaa-nyaa." Off camera the sound of children repeating the same noise can be heard. "Very good everyone!" Rika says smiling. "Now a dog goes woof woof." Again the sound is repeated by the audience. "Now a cicada goes like this ..." Rika makes a noise sounding exactly like a chattering cicada. The audience, clearly confused, emits a jumble of half-hearted noises. In reaction, Rika's smile vanishes. "I knew you wouldn't be able to do it." Rika mumbles in her adult voice while averting her gaze from the camera. Keiichi turns and looks at Rika.

"Umm...Rika?" Rika slumps onto the floor leaning against the the colorful backdrop of the stage.

"This world is like all the others. They will never be able to make the noise." Hanyu runs onto the stage and crouches next to Rika.

"Rika, I'm here." Rika pulls a glass and a bottle of wine from seemingly nowhere and begins unscrewing the top.

"You were right again Hanyu. There is no point in even trying." Rika smiles bitterly while pouring herself a glass of wine.

Keiichi begins to panic "Rika, we can't have underaged drinking! Especially live on T.V.!" Rika downs the glass of wine as Hanyu's face begins to fluster from the alcohol.

"Keiichi, you can't hope to understand. There's no point in even trying to do this show. You can't defeat fate." Rika mumbled, pouring herself another glass.

"Rika, you're right."Keiichi dramatically says, "You'll never defeat fate the way you are..." Rika looks at Keiichi in surprise.

"Kei-kun...?" Keiichi holds up a clenched fist.

"You can't expect to defeat a great foe such as fate by simply sitting around." Hanyu stumbles and falls drunkenly in the background as Rika stands up.

"It would take a miracle to break through this unescapable fate. The children can't even make the cicada noise!" Keiichi shakes his head and says,

"If a miracle is needed to do that, then it's up to you to make that miracle." A look of inspiration washes over Rika.

"Of course..." She says, and throws the wine bottle over her shoulder. "Together we can produce such a miracle." The bottle hits Hanyu on the head and knocks her out. "Thank you Keiichi-kun. Your words have inspired me to continue fighting." Rika dusts herself off and picks up her microphone. "Alright, everyone." Rika smiles cheerfully, her voice returning to that of a child. Keiichi notices Hanyu laying unconscious behind them and drags her off stage. Rika looks at the audience and cries, "Together we can do this! We will do this! Now repeat after me..." Again Rika makes a noise of a cicada and is echoed by a mass of garbled noise from the audience. Rika sighs to herself as she retrieves the bottle. Keiichi returns to the stage and yells,

"Wait! What happened?" Rika has returned to drinking on the floor, while mumbling in her adult voice.

"We failed. I'm gonna sit here and wait to die." Keiichi begins to panic and turns his attention back to the camera.

"Eh heh heh. But what about the kids, Rika?" Rika begins pouring another glass.

"I suggest they do the same." She sighs.

"Ack! Commercial go to a commercial!" He screams at the camera. The scene fades to Rena, standing in a kitchen smiling cheerfully at the camera.

"Oh, Hi everyone. You know, with all the treasure hunting, kidnapping, and "Hauing" I have to do in everyday life, there never seems to be enough time for making dinner. Thats why when I'm hungry I pick up Rena Brand Instant Ohagi." She pulls a small box from off camera onto the table. "Its not only delicious, but high in iron. How much you ask? Well you'll find out, tee-hee!" A deep, serious voice starts to talk quickly.

"Warning: Eating Rena Brand Instant Ohagi may result in internal bleeding, tongue piercings, or screaming like a freak and hurling rest of the remaining ohagi against the wall."

Thats all for now. Sorry if it seems a bit shorter, but I feel like I've been typing for an eternity and I just can't wait for the funnest part of writing...editing! Whee! So, I will continue this again very soon. Keep the reviews coming! Later.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: Hello once again to all. Well, it looks like the reviews to this have been pretty positive. However, instead of simply begging for reviews I feel it is important for me to respond and/or comment on said reviews that have already been posted thus far. Well, maybe it's not important at all, but it's my fanfic damn it and I'm gonna anyway. First, thanks D lo and high five for the shameless plug. I resort to such tactics as well. LOL. Shiruwanasu I will update this semi-frequently mainly because this story is really fun to write. However, the new anime season has begun, so there are plenty of distractions right now. I'm glad you enjoyed the Jirou thing there are plenty more commercials on the way. To weluvgirlswithglasses I also enjoy "glasses girls" your name implies a plural. Are you a club, and may I join? That aside, thanks for the super positive review, but I feel I must address the typing errors. You see, the reason this story is so funny is because all through school I had to train vigorously in class clowning to hone my comedic skills. The side affect of this however rendered me an uneducated idiot, forced to face this harsh world armed only with my dashing wit and charms. So you see, my typing errors are unfortunate but inevitable. As far as the offensive material, you're right! F the F.C.C.! I have to up the blood, sex and dirty language to justify my warnings! Also I suggest next time you do not stifle you're laughter at work. If you're boss walks by and you suddenly giggle uncontrollably he may think you're starting to crack under the pressure of you're job. So he will be nicer to you simply out of the fear that you may show up to work with a firearm one day.This brings us to awesome reviewer number four: Kukki Boo, like I said before I love Higurashi and all of the characters rock, but if Keiichi dosen't want to be made fun of for screaming like a freak he shouldn't do it so damned often. I mean, no one likes getting stabbed by a needle, but jeez! I'd hate to see him donate blood or something at the Red Cross. Actually no, I'd love to see that. LOL. To my friend Notorious P.A.C.you have to realize that I have no attention span if a butterfly floats in front of my computer this story is done and I'm off to my brave new quest of tracking down that damn bug, but I digress. Finally last but not at all least the reviewer that got me off my ass and back to writing. Not for any particular reason. It's just I like reviews before I start writing again. To Skyler25 thank you. It's true Rika is a "closet drunk". Oh and if you've written a story that stars yourself as a character I've read it, good job! All your reviews were awesome and without them I would have lost interest in this by now so keep 'em up! So without further delay...

**Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Offensive language/ Violence/ Somewhat offensive humor/ Spoilers**/ Also, you have to have seen the anime Shuffle! to get one of the jokes...

The last commercial of the break is just finishing up. "...HeadOn, applied directly to the forehead. HeadOn, applied directly to the forehead. HeadOn, applied directly to the forehead. HeadOn, applied directly to the forehead. HeadOn, applied directly to the forehead. HeadOn, applied directly to the forehead. HeadOn, applied directly to the forehead. Do you have a migrane yet? Cure it with HeadOn, or I'll tell you how to apply it for another ten minutes."

The commercial dims out to the Happy, Happy, Hinamazawa Hour's cheerful music playing as the camera focuses in on an oblivious Keiichi talking on his cell phone. "...seriously I need a new agent. Yeah...Well you know that show, Shuffle? They were looking for a male lead but I turned it down because I can't dance and I thought I would need to, you know, with a name like Shuffle. So I tune in the other week and the guy who got the part, Rin. Yeah, this guy just sits around every episode looking dumpy and women just throw themselves at him through the whole show. Yeah. Yeah I know! I mean, sure I'm in a harem show but the only action I get is having my guts ripped out and shoved up my...Oh come on! I'm on the air, aren't I!? Keiichi yells throwing the cell phone at his feet in frustration. "Can't I get some sort of warning? Like maybe a light on the camera that comes on? Oh, there it is near the top, huh?"

Keiichi plasters on the most believable grin he can muster and makes his way to the center of the stage as if the outburst had never happened. There he meets the Sonazaki twins who are looking as confident as ever. "Well kids, I've got a riddle for you. What is the Key to the Universe? Why it's math of course!" Keiichi says grinning in a very "matter of fact" manner. This expression is wiped away by the sound of Mion snickering.

"What the hell kind of stupid riddle was that Kei-kun?!" She cackles. "Seriously, if math was the key to the universe you'd still be locked out. I've seen your test scores!"

"You're not helping!" Keiichi blurts back causing her to cover her mouth to hold back her uncontrollable giggling. "Look I'm gonna hand the spotlight over to you for a while. I need to help Rika and Hanyu sober up before their next bit." He hisses in a loud whisper. Regaining composure Mion gives a "thumbs up" in response.

"You can rely on your fearless leader. I'll learn the little rug rats." Keiichi smiles in relief.

"OK. I'm counting on you. Oh, and please refrain from calling them rug rats." He says before ducking off stage.

Mion and Shion both turn their attention from Keiichi to the camera in unison. "Hey kids, My name's Mion. I'll be teaching beginners math." Shion sidesteps in front of Mion with her hands on her hips.

"...and I Shion will be teaching advanced math. Heh, but I guess with your grades I'd have to be the one to, huh Mion?" She smirks turning to Mion. Mion seethes in anger but composes herself. She whispers to her twin.

"Not funny Shion! Just stick the lines that we rehearsed." Mion snaps back to her pleasant smile."Together we are...the Math Masters." They both pose in a superhero style stance (Think Power Rangers) as a plume of colored smoke erupts behind them.

"Psst.. Sis your underwear's showing." Shion hisses in a loud whisper. Mion twirls around to face Shion clentching her fist in anger.

"Shut up, Shion! It is not because I'm not wearing..." She catches herself. As she turns bright red, Shion laughs uncontrollably.

"What was that, sis? I don't think everyone heard you. Oh wait. No. Everyone totally heard that!" Shion slumps to the floor unable to stand from laughing so hard as Mion quivers with anger.

"You know what, sis?" Mion asks in an eerily calm manner. "I think there will be a change in today's lesson plan. Shion suddenly stops laughing.

"What? What's up, sis?" she blinks. "Why the sudden change?" Mion turns around with a evil grin spreading on her face.

"We"ll switch over to Onbaba's idea." Just then a curtain parts behind them revealing the fingernail-pulling torture tool on a pedestal, with a spot light illuminating it. Shion goes wide eyed and shakingly climbs back to her feet at the sight of the familiar device.

"C'mon Mion. I was just kidding. I mean, why would Onibaba order this?" Mion smirks with a sinister snear.

"You fool! You ate all of the cookie dough ice cream before she could have any!" Shion, taken back by this snapped back.

"Goddammit! We're the freaking' Sonazakis! We own the ice cream shop! Hell, we own like half the damn town!" Mion, now for some reason wearing a white kimono folds her arms obviously entertained.

"So are you saying you won't do it willingly. We only have to teach the children to count to three." Shion steps back cautiously,

"What? Wh-what do you mean? Also when did you change?" Mion strolls menacingly close to Shion.

"You will provide the visual aid while I count, dear sister." Shion's eyes widen in anger. She shoves Mion to the floor.

"No way! You think I'm going to live through that pain again?! Screw this stupid family! What kind backwards grandmother punishes her grandkids this way. What the hell happened to, "Your grounded." or, "No T.V."? Instead it's "Two hours in the rat pit" or "50 lashes"! You can both go to hell!" Shion clenches her fists as Mion not raising her head begins giggling in your typical "watch out, I'm crazy" manner. pulling herself to her feet she raises eyes to meet Shions.

"If thats how you truly feel, dear sister I think a punishment is in order." Shion, trying not to appear intimidated smirked.

"Oh yeah? What kind of punishment?" Shion pulls a small remote with a detonator button located in the center of it. Shion raises an eyebrow in curiosity, but before she can say anything Mion cuts her off.

"What does this do? Right? This is hooked up to several small explosives all located around your computer and data disks." Shion recoils in horror with a loud gasp. "Mion holds the controller high above her head in triumph. "Thats right, Shion! I hit this button and your entire KeiichixSatoshi yaoi collection goes up in flames! Bwa ha ha!" Shion falls to her knees in defeat.

"No Mion! Please, I-I'll do it! It'll take me forever to rapidshit all those again!" Mion hovers her finger over the button tauntingly.

"Well, dear sister you'd better strap your arm in now. My button pushing finger is feeling pretty itchy!" Shion wipes the tears from her eyes and hurryingly straps her arm into the device. Mion walks next to the pedestal turning her attention to the camera and the obviously confused audience. Well now everyone lets begin our counting lesson. Ready Shion?" Shion now shaking in dread doesn't respond. Mion smiles. "One." Shion slams the lever making a sickening snap noise as the machine rips her pinky finger's nail from the cuticle. Shion screams in pain as the children in the audience begin crying in fright. "Pull your self together, sis. We still have two to go." Choking back her sobs, Shion struggles to regain composure.

"I-I'm fine. Heh...This is nothing." Shion places her ring finger in place on the device. Mion nods.

"Good, moving on. Two." Shion slams the lever again except this time the device makes an ping noise. Shion looks down to see the device had only half torn the nail out.

"Oh, what the hell!? Why does this goddamned thing always fk up on the second nail!?" Mion scratches the back of her head, somewhat embarrassed.

"Oops! Yeah, we've been meaning to fix that. This things been acting up for a while now huh?" At this time Keiichi wanders back on stage.

"Ok I just gave Rika and Hanyu some coffee so...Aw, come on! What the hell are you two..." The feed is immediatly cut off and replaced by picture of a bloodied bat with the text "Technical difficulties" on it.

Thats it for now I will update much sooner next time. See ya soon!


	4. Chapter 4

_A red curtain draws open to reveal an empty stage that remains so for about half a minute. Suddenly there are some mumblings off stage to the right, before a skinny, dark haired guy is shoved on stage. He is wearing a tu-tu and looks as if he had just been beaten quite badly. He reluctantly makes his way to the center of the stage and unfolds a note. After clearing his throat he begins to read the note, not making eye contact with the audience. "Um, hello. My name is Neokage. You may know my fanfic "The Happy, Happy Himamazawa Hour". You may also have noticed that it has been a while since my last post. If you haven't, the heads of the Sonazaki family have. As it turns out they are actually fans and were more than a little disappointed that it took me so long to get to the next chapter. I've just finished a very convincing talk with them and am here in what they call my "apology garb"to announce that I will now continue our story with the longest and most bizarre chapter yet, otherwise they will, and I quote: "Go level 5 on my ass." Now if you will excuse me I have to write: "I am not Geneon. I will finish what I start." 100 times on a chalkboard. My apologies again, and thank you." He then shambles off the stage from where he came._

**Author's Note**:Hello again, fanficateers.I know it's been a while but I had a bit of a car accident and all sorts of craziness ensued. Not to worry everything is over and done with, and I came out OK in the end. Let's get to the good stuff. To be more specific review responses.I'm gonna break this up in a new way that I think will make it a little easier to read.

First and formost, to my energetic new friend Osaka-4-Prez. Thank you so much for the praise! I think most of the questions from your first review have been answered with the last chapter. For your second review. Be forewarned, nothing in my fanfics are safe. Not yaoi, Not Yuri, not anything, so its best to be prepared. (Bwahaha!) As for the device always screwing up on the second nail I think Onibaba made it to do that on purpose. She's a mean lady.

To my old friend Kukki Boo, of course you're awesome. All reviewers that give me a positive review are awesome in my eyes. However the ones that give me negative ones are mean, mean people who make me cry. Perhaps in the future I will have K1 have an incounter with a needle. We'll see.

On to Mapleleaf Syrup, a new reviewer. I'm happy you like the story. You can look forward to at least 3 more chapters in the future. No they should not be running a kids show and that's why I had to have them do it. Make sense? I didn't think so either, but here we are.

To Zero Sakura Cross, hmmm...no other review had me thinking as much as this one. I brought to mind so many questions. "Was this reviewer really offended?" "Is he just joking with me?" Does calling me "man" twice within two sentences mean he's a hippy?" So I'll answer all three of these questions in the same order. First if you were truely offended I can't see apoligizing for that on the grounds that I've posted a rediculous amount of warnings. Also, it's just silly to call this "sick" when you look at the subject matter on which this stupid little story is based upon. Go watch Rika stabbing herself in the head in the origonal series before reading further and I'm sure it will make you realise this. Now if you rewrite the review and call me sick for watching Rika stab herself to death and thinking "This is great joke material." I would completely agree. If you're just joking around then high five for tricking me into thinking way too much about this. Finally, if you wore a tie dye shirt when you typed it, then yes you are a hippy.

To Notorious P.A.C., not to worry! I don't think you're a gammar nazi, fuhrur. JK. Seriously I'll start doing it this chapter but will not edit the old chapters any time soon because it's boring and I don't wanna.

To Ai Priestess, I personally take no pleasure in the causing people to cry. That's why I do comedy fanfics. By the way your little emoticon face at the end is missing one of it's eyes. Now who's doing the reviewing!? ho ho ho! Not to worry though. It wasn't the same old creepy rusty torture device like before. For the show they painted it pink and put rainbow stickers on it, so it's OK.

Now this chapter is special. You see, if you find 3-D glasses (Just the typical, one red lens/ one blue lens type) and put them on before reading this perticular chapter...absolutly nothing will change but those around you will begin to worry.LOL

**Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Offensive language/ Violence/ Somewhat offensive humour/ Spoilers/ Also have you ever played a game called Portal before...? P.S.: I do not condone, support, or promote drug use. It's just a joke.**

The cast of Higurashi are gathered backstage with an obviously quite angry Keiichi . "What the hell, guys? Do you want to get fired? I mean, I know there will always be a need for a ton young female characters in other animes, but I need this job. There's always only one teen male in every damned anime! Guys like me come a dime a dozen!"

While Keichi is venting, Rika attempts to pour another glass of wine but is dissapointed to see the bottle is empty. Keiichi notices out of the corner of his eye. "Good there goes one problem." He smiles to himself. Rika looks up at him cheerfully, after throwing the bottle into a nearby trash bin.

"Mii, you're right Keiichi-kun." seemingly back to normal. She then whips out a bottle of whiskey from seemingly nowhere. "Now we can move on to the good stuff." she says switching to her moody, adult voice.

"No, you can't! Hanyu is completly trashed!" He yells snatching the bottle from the young girl.

Rika crosses her arms, pouting. "Pfft, freaking lightweights." She mumbles, rolling her eyes.

"No more alcahol tonight, Rika! I'm asking as a favor." Rika turns giving Keichi a hard look.

"To deny a lady her last drink is horrible, Kei-kun. However, I want our last memories of each other to be happy ones till we meet again next time." Rika's face desolves to that of a cheerful young girl again. "Mii, OK I promise Kei-kun!"

While Keichi and Rika are talking, Hanyu dunkenly stumbles through the group and falls into a surprised Takano. "Heeeeeey, ish Takino. Hey,...hey Taka-chan how, (hic) how come you and me never hang out?" Takano tries to push Hanyu off of her in disgust.

"Because I hate you. Now get off me. You reek of booze!" She snaps.

"Awww, come on! Don't be like that Takano! Hehe! Your name ish funny. Takano, Takano, tic-toc and you don't stopino." Hanyu blurts out abnoxiously, before erupting in laughter. While laughing one of Hanyu's horns pokes Takano's cheek causing to yelp in pain before pushing Hanyu to the floor.

"You stupid, drunken brat!" Takano hisses in seething anger while holding her hand to her cheek. At this point, the rest of the cast, startled by the sudden uproar all turn their attention to Takano.

"Hey, jeez Takano." Says Keichi. "I know she's a royal pain when she's trashed like this but you don't have to go that far."

"Shut up, "hero"!" Snaps Takano." She just stabbed my face with one her rediculous horns! After damaging a woman's beauty she should be thankful that I was so leaniant." Keichi and the group begin exchanging confused glances.

"Horns? You mean like a bicyle horn or something?" Mion finally asks.

"No, you idiots! Those stupid little ram horns! How come no one in this stupid town ever says anything about a kid walking around with horns! It doesn't make sense!!" Takano erupts pointing down at Hanyu, who now is not even aware of where she is anymore.

"I'm sorry, Takano." Rena says. "But we have no idea what you're talking about." Takano now at her limit picks Hanyu up by one of her horns.

"For god's sake! This horn right here in my hand." She yells. Rika runs, and begins pulling on Takano's arm in protest.

"Takano, Stop! Picking Hanyu up by her hair like that will hurt her!"

"It will not, damn it!" Takano says through gritted teeth, releasing Hanyu into Rika's arms. "Because they are horns and they're attached to her freaking skull."

Keichi and the others all begin whispering among themselves. "Well, she always was a little nuts. Poor Takano, seeing horns now." hearing this, Takano stomps away onto the set to prepare for her segment.

"Freaking country hics! I'll show them all! First, I'll be the only person on this show to have a successful bit. Then when I prove myself to the boss he'll give me the lead role in the next season. After, it's only a matter of time before I strike them all from the cast. I will pass judgement on them all." She smiled grimely to herself with this thought as she positioned herself behind the counter and waited for the curtains to raise. A stage hand wearing headphones waves for Takano's attention.

"We're back! Get ready!" He yells as Jiro hurries on stage by her side."J-Jiro! What are you doing here? I thought you were making big bucks with Catch.con?" She says recoiling in surprise.

"Heh heh. Well it didn't work out. You see half of our clients were men pretending to be women and we didn't have a screening pocess so now we have all sorts of lawsuits on our hands. So here I am ready to be your assistant in the next sketch!" he says smiling.

"But I've already called someone else in to be my assistant!" she exclaims with a look of panic as the curtain begins rising. The almost blinding light shines on the two.

"Uh um hello." Takano says trying to regain her composure. " Hello, My name is Takano and I will be teaching you all about the world of science. This he is my assistant..." Jiro smiles and bows slightly.

"My name is Ji-" He is cut off by a small orb covered with small lights and a large blue glass "eye" being lowered from the ceiling by a robotic arm.

"GLaDOS:compact/mobile unit model version 2.5 on behalf of the Aperture Enrichment Center. Aperture Enrichment Center: We do what we must because we can. I am pleased to be here. Bow slightly, currently smiling calmly." (Yes, she says that out loud) Jiro blinks blankely at the sight.

"Wh-what the hell is that?!" he says pointing a shaking finger at the silver orb now swiveling to face him.

"Jiro!" Snaps Takano, causing Jiro to jump slightly. "How dare you call my friend an "it"." she says sternly, making the air quote hand gestures. Jiro scratches the back of his head feeling a tad more embarrassed than confused by his public scolding.

"Oh, um... you're right." Jiro bows slightly. "My apologies. It's nice to meet you GLaDOS. How did you and Takano meet?" GLaDOS moves uncomfortably close to Jiro's face causing him to see a distorted reflection of himself staring nervously back while listening to her reply.

"MySpace. Through the use of the internet it is much easier finding people you can relate with." Jiro smiles nervously.

"Oh? Similar hobbies?" he asks genuinley curious.

"Among other things. We share interests in scientific research with a "Think outside of the box" approach. This alone gives us a compatablity rating of 74.694." Takano says, smiling in an unsettling manner. "All that aside, It seems the lab is a bit crowded today doesn't it kids?" She whirls to face the crowd trying to move the show along again. "So it seems we will have to improvise by having "scientists" and "helpers". Jiro, you can assist GLaDOS. Now for my "helper", I'll have to call in my favorite little labrat. Satokoooo!" She yells offstage.

"Whaaat!?" you can hear Satoko yell back, obviously some distance away from the stage.

"Come here and help me with my experiment!" Takano shouts holding her hands to the sides of her mouth.

"No way! You'll just disect me or something!!" Satoko spats back sounding angry. Takano sighs, rolling her eyes before taking a deep breath to brace for the next yell.

"If you come here I'll give you candy!" she yells trying to sound friendly.

"CANDY!" Spouts Satoko causing Takano to smile to herself in victory before Satoko comes running onto the stage.

Takano first turns to GLaDOS. "So, GLaDOS what do you have for us today?"

Two smaller robotic arms begin lowering from the ceiling many small metallic devices onto the table. "I'm glad you asked." The blue orb turns toward the camera. "First begin with # 1 1/2 cups all-purpose white flour, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder,16 drops of "today's mystery chemical", 1 teaspoon baking soda, salt, 1/2 cup white sugar, 1/3 cup margarine, 1 cup sour milk. Throw all, previously stated ingrediants into a high pressure, atomic regraphter. Note: Please get your parent's permission before using the atomic regaphter. and we get..." The larger metallic device dings before opening to reveal a chocolate, strawberry cake. "Cake. Now, Jiro sample the experiment."

"Whoa, whoa. What was the mystery chemical?" Jiro snaps.

"What? Oh! "Mystery chemical of the day?" If I told you it wouldn't be a "mystery". GLaDOS responds in a very "matter of fact" tone.

"Oh don't be a baby, Jiro. It's just cake." Takano sighs getting bored.

"That is not cake!" Jiro says sternly pointing at the counter. "That's a lie. The cake is a..."

"Stop!" GLaDOS interupts. "If I have to hear that stupid catchphrase one more time..."

"Hey, Jiro." Takano chimes in mockingly. "How is the unemployment office this time of year?"

"C-come on what if it kills me?!" Jiro stammers.

"Then you'll be back in two to seven episodes!" Takano snaps. GLaDOS hover in front of Jiro's face.

"I give you my word that this cake is not leathal..." GLaDOS says, trying to resure him.

After giving the persuasive A.I. a hard stare. He grabs a fork. "What the hell..." he said before scooping some into his mouth. He chews for a second. "Hey, this is pretty...rrrrrhhhhggggg!!" He drops below the counter, foaming at the mouth.

"...to me." GLaDOS finally finishes her sentence. "Battery acid, kids. The "mystery chemical" was battery acid. Miyo, are ready to begin?"

"Why, yes GLaDOS!" Takano smiles to the camera completely ignoring the corpse at her feet. Satoko however looked at the corpse with growing uneasiness.

"Ummm, you know, Takano. I like candy and all but what do you need me to do..." She's quickly cut off by Takano.

"Oh it's nothing my dear. All we need for this experiment is a car battery, four squirrels, some copper wiring and your nervous system..."

Meanwhile, backstage Keiichi watches on. "Well it is educational, and it finally gets her back for all those traps." he mumbles to himself. "Hey, what's that smell?" he follow the scent to Rika's dressing room where Rika and Hanyu are laying on the couch giggling.

"Well at least it looks like you sobered up Hanyu." He smiles forgetting what he came in to inspect in the first place.

"What? Oh, we were just talking about if we, like reset the world, right? Does that mean there's like, thousands of people somwhere that didn't get reset?" Hanyu says quizzically.

Keiichi looks at the two confused. "Wait, why would you even think about something like..." At that time Keichi realised what the smell was. "Oh my god, Rika! Don't tell me you were smoking...

We're sorry, but due to fears of children reading this fanfic we at the F.C.C. have decided to censor the next few paragraphs. We at the F.C.C. beleive in your freedom of speech when it comes to gore because we think it's kewl. However, drugs, bad words, and nudity we cannot stand for. The offending words will be replaced word chosen by randomizer and underlined. We hope this does not take away from your viewing pleasure, enjoy.

"Oh my god, Rika! Don't tell me you were smoking...cherry Popsicles!" He exclaimes, angrilly at Rika.

"Calm down Kei. I didn't drink, and I only had a couple kittens." Rika mumbles, watching static on the T.V.

"Oh, this is just singing wonderful! First, I have a hopping kidnapper. Then a couple polka dancing drunks. Then, we have the terror twins ripping each other a new fluffy pillow. Now I've got Dr. flying Frankenstein tearing apart my cast live on stage, while I'm back here with a couple of Rick Astley heads! You girls are driving me mad!" Keiichi explodes.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Several minutes pass before Hanyu finally breaks the silence. "We're all mad here in Wonderland, Alice." She says before the two girls erupt in a giggling fit."Hey, Rika do you have "Pink Floyds' Dark Side of the Moon" and "The Wizard of Oz?" Keiichi unable to take anymore, stomps out of the room. Meanwhile, back on stage Satoko slightly burned and twitching next to Takano.

"...and that's all there is to it!" Smiles Takano motioning to a slightly charred, twitching Satoko. "How are you recovering, dear?"

"C-candy...j-just give me the candy." Satoko stammered, eager to get away from Takano.

"Of coarse, dear..." Takano gives a small box to Satoko. "A deal is a deal." Satoko stares at the box in her hands for a second, before cringing angrilly.

"What is this?" Satoko hisses, holding up the box.

"Why, it's pumpkin flavored pocky, dear." Takano answers smiling cheerfully. Satoko throws the box to the ground angrilly, before running off stage followed by a trail of glistening tears.

"You know I hate pumpkin! You... you're evil, Takano." She screamed. Takano watched the young girl run with much amusement.

"Wow. Only took you two seasons to figure that out, huh?" she mumbled to herself. Satoko found refuge back stage, where she sat on a couch and wiped the tears from her face.

"What's the matter, kid?" A raspy voice asked surprising her. She looked up to see Oiishi looking down at her smoking a cigerette like always. "I'm sure whatever it is, you'll be able to toughen through it soon enough. Kid's like you always do." he says looking in no perticular direction trying to sound wise and "sage-like".

"Oh? Are you sure? We're probably all gonna get fired, you know?" Satoko shoots back harshly.

"Yeah, probably at this rate. At least youngins'like you have you're whole life ahead of you. It looks like my dream retirement is never gonna happen. No other anime is going to hire a chubby, old cop. Kids, that's all they hire now is kids..." Oiishi says trailing off sadly. Satoko looks at him, at first with a look of pity. Then a small wicked smile spreads across her face.

"Oh sure, Oiishi, blame you're age..." She said knowingly. Oiishi perks up in curiosity. "The truth is you don't have a hook like we do."

"A hook..." he repeats, rubbing his chin and mulling over the thought.

"That's right. I have my traps and "Oh HO Ho!", Rika has her "Mii's" and "Nippah's", Rena has "Hau" and, "I'm gonna take you home." What does Oiishi-san have that says "This reprisents me?"

"You know, kid? You may just have something there." He says with newfound inspiration. "What should I use, though? I'm sure all the good hooks are taken." Satoko motions for Oiishi to come closer.

"Here's what you do..." She says before whispering the rest into his ear. Minutes later, Satako runs up to Keiichi who is watching Oiishi get ready for his comercial. "Hey, Kei-kun. Wanna make a bet?"

Meanwhile, on stage the show has just gone into a commercial break. The scene opens with Oiishi watering some flowers while humming happily to himself before turning his attention to the camera. "Oh, hi. Didn't see you there. You know in my profession you meet a lot of interesting perps. Including the ones that don't even realise that they're guilty. So, of coarse I have to set them straight with Mr. rubber hose." He turns off the water and holds up the hose to the camera. "...but do you realise even rubber hoses can leave bruises? That's why I use Bruiseless Bill's Rubber Hoses. Bruiseless Bills: beat some ass, the bath the bagonias." Oiishi smiles nervouslly before launching his new hook. "Chumbawumba!" He shouts, before pulling up the front of his shirt and dancing the "Truffle Shuffle" to the sound of the "Hampster dance" blaring in the background. While everyone off stage stars dumbfounded you can hear Satoko. "Yay! Keichi owes me five bucks!"

That's it for now. I'll try to avoid making you guy's wait too long for the next one. See ya!


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note**: Back again. Back again. Jiggity jig. Things are seriously getting busy.I've been working lot's of overtime and getting ready for Otakon. Also the new season of anime is just about to start, and no, sorry it doesn't look like the third season of Higurashi will be on the list. I wouldn't worry about it though. The arcs that they will be basing the third season on look less than promising anyway. I'm just hoping the live action movie does the show justice. Oh yeah, and before I forget. Not that this fic is ending soon, but I'm beginning to think of what anime I want to spoof next. I've seen the majority of animes out there so if you'd like to see a series get a fic kind of like this one, I'm open to suggestions. Well, anyway let's get rolling with the review responses:

First to three time reviewer friend, Notorious P.A.C.: Constructive criticism is _always _welcome. I may respond to virtually everything with jokes but that doesn't mean I'm not listening. You know,I promised myself before writing this "No crossovers and no over-the-top reference jokes" and the last chapter blew that plan all to hell so it looks like the gloves are coming off. (Dum dum duummmm!) Also, not to worry about the car accident. It wasn't my fault so I have a shiny new car, but the experience has totally rekindled my love for insurance companies. (can you taste the sarcasm?)

To my frightened friend, Ai Priestess: I guess the stickers do give it a kind of "Skittles Hell" vibe. Every time a nail is ripped you taste the rainbow. LOL

To my recently blinded friend, Mapleleaf Syrup: Sorry I should have warned you not to look directly at the Oiishi fat. It's like staring at a solar eclipse. I suggest welding goggles.

To always super happy friend, Osaka-4-Prez: If I had the time and/or patience to make a flash animation of the "Chumbawumba Oiishi dance" I would in a second and set it as my screen saver. Just the thought of it still makes me laugh sometimes. Also, please avoid using battery acid as cooking supplies for yourself as well as those who around you.

To new reviewer, friend Stoned Sith: Thank you. Long ago I wondered what to do with my genius. It was either cure cancer or write fanfics. I made my decision and I stand by it.

To my friend who recently got a high five from yours truly, Zero Sakura Cross: LOL, Oiishi was pure offensive gold. I just hope I can keep raising the bar at this rate.

Well that about covers it. Well, in the spirit of animes, let's needlessly burn some time with a recrap of where the last chapter left off. On the last episode of The Happy, Happy Hinamazawa Hour...

**Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Violence/Somewhat offensive humor/Spoilers**

The scene flashes to Rika slamming her fist on an office desk across from Keiichi who is wearing a police uniform. "Damn it, Keiichi! You're a loose cannon! Turn in your badge!" Keiichi slams his hands on the desk in reaction.

"Is this the thanks I get for doing my job, chief?! You said to catch the perp and I did!" He bellows.

"Oh, sure you did, and in the process burned down half the city, killed half the British royal family and detonated a nuke!" Rika yells before the scene abruptly switches to Satoko who is attempting to disarm a bomb while being instructed how by Shion on a walkie talkie.

"Ok, Satoko now very carefully clip the red wire." Shion's voice says over the staticy device as Satoko hovers nervously over the explosive with wire snips.

"I'd love to Shion, but I'm colorblind!" Satoko responds nervously as sweat begins to form on her forehead.

"What!" Exclaims Shion. "Then why the hell were you put on the bomb squad!?" Frustrated, Satoko yells in response.

"I don't know!! I was just supposed to be "Junior Deputy for the day"!!" The scene the flashes once more Keiichi and Mion nervously sitting next to each other in a hospital waiting room. Rena walks in wearing a doctor's cloths and carrying a clipboard. As soon as they notice Keiichi and Mion stand in unison.

"Well Doctor, what does the test say?" Keichi asks nervously. Rena flips through the paper work.

"Well the good news. You two are having a child..." She says with little emotion in her voice. Keiichi immediately sighs with relief as he and Mion embrace in celebration. "Isn't this wonderful, dear? You're pregnant!" He says.

"...that's the bad news. She's not the one who's pregnant." Rena responds.

...and now we continue our story.

Keichi slaps his forehead in disgust as Oiishi finishes up his "Super Sexy Truffle Shuffle" as Satoko runs off with her new money. As she walks down the hall GLaDOS lowers from the ceiling in front of her. "Hello, Satoko was it?" Satoko steps back a little uneasy.

"Uh, yeah." she shudders.

"I hear that you are an orphan and you obviously like money. It just so happens that the Aperture Enrichment Center is hiring orphaned girls and there always seems to be a spot open. The pay is good and you get all the cake you can eat." GLaDOS says.

"Ummm, you can keep the cake..." Satoko says reflecting what had happened to Jiro. "but the money does sound tempting."

"Fine." Says GLaDOS, taking that as a yes." I'll fetch a waiver to sign."

"Huh? What's a waiver?" Satoko asks.

"Oh. That's just something you sign to get lot's of money." GLaDOS answers, now walking down the hall alongside Satoko.

"Makes sense to me!" Satoko says excitingly. Meanwhile Hanyu and Rika stumble out of the smoky dressing room.

"Wow, that was crazy how those two things run together so well." says Rika wearing a sleepy-looking smile.

"I know." said Hanyu. "Me almighty, I'm so hungry. Does anyone here have any munchies?" Takano holds up her hand excitingly.

"Oh! I have some cake that GLaDOS made!" She says with a big grin.

"Cake!" Both girls say in unison.

"No! No cake!" Yells Keiichi, causing both the girls and Takano to look depressed and all say

"Awww, why not?!" Keiichi sighs, and reluctantly hands the two young girls all the change in his pockets.

"Here." He said. "Go raid the vending machine." The two girls grabbed the money without hesitation. Before running back down the hall they had come from.

"Funyuns!" Rika yells after disappearing from sight. Rena walks over to Keiichi, who is looking very depressed and pats him on the head.

"It'll be OK, Kei-chan. We still have plenty of time to turn the show around, around." She smiles warmly trying to cheer him up. Just then Takano walks between them bumping Rena roughly with her shoulder.

"Oh, sorry about that, dear." She smiles smugly. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. You see, I'm just very excited. I just got off the phone with the president of the studio and apparently he was pleased with my bit, and _only_ my bit. Since "Higurashi" is sure to get cancelled I think they may give me my own show. "Dr. Takano's Laboratory", it kind of has a ring to it doesn't it?"

"It's not over yet." Keiichi glances angrily at Takano causing her to giggle mockingly.

"Just give up, "hero". If you play your cards right I might let you and your friends be special guests on my show. My operating table is always open to _you_." Keiichi takes Rena's hand and leads her away from Takano.

"You know what, Rena? You're right. We have work to do turning this show around." He says, not breaking his gaze with Takano before going to fetch Shion for her "Advanced math sketch". He knocks on her dressing room door.

"You're on in less than three minutes, Shion. Please make sure everything goes smoothly this time." There is a thud on the other side of the door. Then a bit of a pause before Shion shouts back.

"Fine, Kei-kun. Everything will be just great." She yells, not opening the door.

"Umm, OK. Break a leg." He said looking worried. he walked away slowly. "I know I should trust her but the way this shows been going. Well, better to be safe than sorry." he thought to himself before finding Rena. "Hey Rena, can you do me a favor?" He asked.

"Sure Kei-kun, anything. Uh, wait not _"anything_"! I mean I know you're kind of a pervert and... wait I can still back out of this right!?" She says, getting flustered.

"Why the hell am _I_ the pervert when _you_ keep thinking I'm talking about...!You know what? Never mind. I need you to get me something." He says trying to not get distracted.

Huh? What is it, Kei-kun?" She says before he whispers in her ear. "Ok, I'll be right back!" She says smiling before heading to the exit of the studio. Meanwhile a happy looking Shion makes her way to the stage carrying a large sack.

"Ready to go Shion? Hey what's in the bag?" he said looking slightly concerned.

"Oh it's just a visual aid to help the kids understand easier." She said smiling.

"Ah, I see! Good thinking, Shion." He said feeling a bit relieved.

" You're too much Kei-kun!" she laughed. "Ah, I see so you didn't think you could trust me? I'm so hurt." She joked flirtingly.

"What? No, uh, hey you better get on stage you're going to be late." He said nervously. She smiled before walking onto the dark stage to erect her props. GLaDOS hovered down from the ceiling next to Keiichi, causing him to almost jump out of his skin. "God, don't do that! Can't you wear a bell or something?!"

"My apologies. Have you seen Satoko? I left to get the paperwork for her to sign and she had disappeared." GLaDOS said extending a small robotic arm holding the paperwork.

"Huh? Satoko? No I haven't seen her since...Oh shi-" He exclaims, cut off by the sound of the shows music blaring to signify the end of the commercial break. The curtains lift to reveal Satoko chained to a wooden crucifix. Mion smiles widely to the camera.

"Welcome back children! Now let's begin our lesson!"

**Is this the end of the "Happy Happy Hinamazawa Hour"? Will this fanfic end on this twisted note? I'll freakin do it, man!! I smoke this fanfic right here! The answer to this will be revealed...now. No.  
**

Well that's it for now. I know It was short but I figured you'd prefer a bunch of short chapters that are updated very often as oppose to large chapters that sit around for long periods of time. If I'm wrong however, give me a heads up. I live to serve. See ya real soon!


	6. Chapter 6

_ The scene begins with skinny guy with dark, spiky hair wearing a red smoking jacket. He turns around. "Oh, hi. I didn't see you there. Which is good because if I did that would mean I have cameras in your house and that's against the law. My name is Neokage. You may have read my fanfictions: The Happy Happy Hinamazawa Hour, Mother Teresa P.I., and Bible Black on Ice. You know, I'm just an old fashioned fellow who puts on his cosplay one wing at a time like everyone else. I like to sit here watching the fire, wishing I had a fireplace and think on how I'm gonna stalk my next voice actress. But even a well adjusted guy like myself has to make tough choices. For those choices I look to a higher power and break out the "good book". The Book of Oyashiro-sama. It's led me through some tough situations. Why, one time I went to Best Buy to pick up "Lucky Star". A guy stepped right in front of me and took the last copy so I asked my self "What would Oyashiro-sama do?" So after kidnapping him and driving a few nails through his digits he really began to see things my way. Now I can enjoy Konata's wacky antics whenever I want! So if you have any questions, please contact the Church of Oyashiro-sama, because we may not be the craziest religeon, but we're the most dangerous and in the end isn't that all that matters?" Paid by the Church of Oyashiro-sama._

**Author's Note:** Yays! We're back again! As always, thanks to everyone who reviewed. However I didn't see any suggestions on which series I should parody next? Doesn't anyone want me to do their favorite series? Pick it apart and make fun of every flaw. Point out every continuity error and laugh mockingly causing it to cry before I pat it on the back and say. "Aw, I'm just playing fella. Now who want's ice cream?" Then we get ice cream and after I order it the anime cracks me on the head because then it can have TWO ice creams and... wait. What was talking about again? Oh yeah, so if I don't get any suggestions it looks like the next series I'll be doing is Rozen Maiden. Anyways, review response time "Lords and Ladys" version!

To Lady Emo Panda-kun the brave: Oh, the crucifix was easy to assemble because it's made by Ikea. Also don't worry I will continue to post. This story's not stopping till it's over.

To Lady Ai Priestess the resiliant: I know. Satoko is actually one of my favs simply cause I feel bad for all the crap she has to deal with. Oh, and the "Oh ho ho" laugh. What does Rena fetch? Read on and see! ha ha!

To Lady Osaka-4-Prez the happy and hyper: If you actually do the "Chumbawumba Oiishi" flash I will put it on my PC and smile silently to myself now knowing I can die happy. Also you may end up sympathising with Shion based on some of what you wrote in earlier reviews. Well, you'll see what I mean...

To Lord (We finally have a Lord!) Notorious P.A.C. the powerful: Yes. I don't know why, but my funniest jokes seem to go wildly off the plotline. Short, fast chapters it is!

To Lord Zero Sakura Cross the obscure: It was Keiichi... I don't get it either but it makes me giggle my ass off! Never say die, my friend the skies are darkest before the dawn. Or are they?!

and To Lady Mapleleaf Syrup the human stun gun (I just got done reading your fanfic): If you have a bottle of Guinness I find that's plenty dark enough. I can't kill Takano! She's the bad guy and if she dies the fanfic is over. Patience. It will all come together soon. (Moohoohaahaha!)

**Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Offensive language/ Violence/ Somewhat offensive humour/ Spoilers**

"Well children you may want to get a pen and paper ready for this question. Don't worry, I'll wait and little Satoko here isn't going anywhere." Shion sneers as Satoko struggles against the straps in vain. "No moving now, Satoko. It makes me very annoyed and now is not a good time to annoy me." Shion says in an eerily calm manner as she grabs the knife resting on top of the crucifix and dangles it over Satoko's forehead.

"Why...why are you doing this!?" Satoko blurts out, unable to contain her dread. Shions face twists in anger.

"You know damn well what your sin is you little bitch!" She screams stabbing the knife into the wood next to her head. Satoko gasps, seizing up before screaming.

"Keiichi-kun! Help me!" Keiichi begins to run toward the stage. Shion without breaking her stare with Satoko pulls the taser from her pocket and points it in Keiichi's direction.

"Now, now Kei-kun. This is a live set." she pulls the trigger causing a bolt of electricity to flicker from the prongs as she turns slowly to face Keiichi. "The show _must_ go on!"

"Shion! No!" Keiichi yells.

"Shion! Yes!" cheers Takano. "This will be the final nail in the coffin of this miserable show!" She exclaims before giggling madly. Mion comes running from the back followed be Rika and Hanyu.

"My god! Shion! What are you doing?!" Mion screams being, held back by Keiichi concerned for both Satoko and Mion's safety.

"You'll never understand! The pain! The loss!" Shion mumbles, staring blankly at the floor. Finally she begins to shake violently. "She...she went on my computer and deleted all of my KeiichiXSatoshi yaoi! She screams before zapping Satoko with the taser.

"Nooo!" Screams Keiichi.

"Don't worry, Keiichi!" Sobs Mion. "I think she's still alive."

"Not that!" cries Keichi. "Why didn't anyone tell me that there was yaoi with me and Satoshi in it!" Shion grabs Satoko by the face.

"Oh well, let's begin our lesson! Now a girl about Satoko's size can lose roughly 30 percent of her blood before shock sets in. Now, if a stab wound in the arm makes her lose roughly 3 percent every minute..." Shion begins her "math lesson while Satoko sobs quietly in the background. Keiichi frantically tries to think of something. On the other side of the stage he sees Rena run in. As soon as she notices the situation, she ducks behind some spare lights stowed on the side of the hallway. Keiichi noticing that Shion hasn't seen her yet, walks slowly on the stage with his hands up. "...now a stab to the neck will...Hey! Back off Kei-kun!" She yells waving the knife in his face.

"I'm not armed! Just let her go, Shion! Take me instead." Keiichi pleads.

"Never! Do you have any idea how many rapidshare files I'm going to have to search though to get those all back!" She screams.

"Rapidshare? I'm sorry but I don't know anything about computers... but I hear lots of people use something called Kazaa for stuff!" He says attempting to buy time as Rena pulls out what he had asked her to fetch. Making eye contact with Keiichi she holds the aluminum bat out in front of her and nods a signal to him.

"Ah ha ha! Kei-kun your a fool! Kazaa is nothing but a virus colony now! Enough talk! This lesson is over!" She turns to Satoko causing her to scream in fright. Suddenly, Keiichi points out to the audience and screams.

"Hey, Satoshi! Why are you making out with that random, long haired bishonen?! Shion suddenly wide eyed, turns and gazes out into the audience.

"What!? Where?!" Just then with her back turned Keiichi whistles a signal to Rena. She in response, throws the bat to him. Keiichi then whacks Shion in the back of the head causing a "ping" noise to echo throughout the studio. (This is where you, the viewer applaud.) Shion falls to the ground unconscious. Keiichi then drops the bat turning his attention to the weeping Satoko. Keichi begins to untie her from the crucifix.

"Kei...ichi I just used her P.C. to sniff look up backstreet boys and... I didn't mean to delete..." After helping her down, he pats her on the head smiling warmly. She looks up at him through tearful eyes.

"Don't be silly Satoko. The only reason why I saved you was because you saved _me_ from having those pictures get around. I actually think you're a total pain in the ass." He says not breaking the smile. Satoko's tearful expression quickly turns into rage.

"What!? Oh, that's real nice! Well idiot, those pictures are still all over the int..." Satoko is cut off by Mion covering her mouth.

"That's right, Kei-kun. That's the last we'll see of those. heh heh." Mion says cheerfully as Satoko struggles against her. As Keichi turns his back Mion whispers in Satoko's ear. "Hey, I don't need him running around online hunting those pictures down. Otherwise he'll find my "KeichiXSatoshi shrine site." Satoko looks at her in a confused manner.

"But if you have a whole site filled with..." Satoko begins but Mion cuts her off.

"She doesn't know. She _won't_ know. I'll put all the pics back on her computer and we'll insist this was all a crazy dream she had." She said looking down at her twin. Keichi turns to the audience resting his bat on his shoulder and smirking with a new self confidence.

"Well kid's looked like I saved the day again, huh?" There is no response. "Ummm...kids?" Keichi strains his eyes trying to see the audience through the gaze of stage lights. finally he gives up and steps out of the spotlight. "What? The audience is...gone?"

"Duh, kid. Any parent with any concern with their child would pull them out of this slaughterhouse you call a kids show." Takano sneered while leaning against the wall offstage. "Well, "hero" it looks like you've won the battle but forgot about the war." The girls begin to gather around Keiichi in concern. As he grips the bat all that much tighter as Takano slowly walks toward the group.

"Keiichi...don't." Whispers Rena, taking hold of the hand the bat is in.

"Smart girl. You should hold on to that one, Kei-kun." Chirps Takano playfully. She stops just in front of Keiichi with her arms folded. "At least she knows... when she's lost."

Boy, it sure looks like we're close to the ending now, huh? Well be at ease because I can promise at least three more chapters and this is where I will either make or break this story so this will be fun. Hats off to Osaka-4-Prez for going as far as to tell me why her next review will be late. No need to explain to me that kind of stuff. I appreciate any and all support I get and don't feel like I'm "owed" anything. But it was very nice anyways. Enjoy the beach! Summer will be over before you know it so live it up! Will post again soon!


	7. Chapter 7

The scene opens with skinny guy (Me if you don't know from the last two chapters). "Oh, hi! It's time for another chapter, huh? Well great, but first I have something to show you." I look around the room frantically. "Uhh...this!" I grab a stuffed Kyo plushie and make it dance. "Look at Kyo go! I bet Yuki couldn't do this, huh? This is in no way a distraction to finish this chapter in a timely manner. I mean, it's not like I totally wrote myself into a corner or anything. It's not like I led a bunch of people into this thing with dumb jokes without any plans on how to resolve what ridiculous plot line I managed to scrape together. Absolutely not!" While making the Kyo plushie dance, I turn and begin typing freely with the other hand...

**Author's Note:** Holy elephants graveyard, Batman! Do I have news for you folks! At least it's news if you're not an obsessed otaku like me who frequents the news. Funimation signed a deal with the corpse of Geneon to continue manufacturing, distributing, ect. selected series! In other words, Higurashi will continue to be released in the U.S.!! Let's celebrate with another chapter! I still have gotten exactly zip input on the next anime to fanfic/parody so I guess it will be Rozen Maiden (Another resurrected series from Geneon, heh heh) and possibly Code Geass in the far future...eh we'll see. The reviews keep coming in and it seems like new viewers keep joining us! It's just too bad you've joined the party late, but hey just don't leave before this thing is done or it's gonna be like every party you took off from early. You know what you hear the next day? "Aw dude, you should hung out last night! Five minutes after you left, Glen Danzig crashed through the wall, riding an armored unicorn and started juggling chainsaws. Then William "The Fridge" Perry walked in and started doing the "Super Bowl Shuffle" right before the midget and balloon bus broke down in my front yard." Just a random example...Anyway, just so you know, this is the last chapter before the ending one. I know I said there would be more but I'm afraid I'm running on empty here, so to make it up to you here is how it's going to work. In my profile I have opened a poll. In the poll you, the audience get to choose what kind of ending this thing is going to have. It's like playing god with the Hinamazawa crew! Choice one is: Super happy ending with unicorns, rainbows and Jell-o pudding. Choice two is: Middle of the road ending that says screw making sense we want to LOL. And finally, with keeping the Higurashi tradition alive we have: Bad end were the only winners are the sadists reading this. If you don't vote then you can't complain later! Like Puff Daddy, or Diddy, or Ding Dong Doodely Doo or whatever the hell he calls himself now says, "Vote or Die" yo. Peace. Actually...damn! Some of you lovable scamps already did! Sweet! Now for review responses "Ninja Edition"!

To Ai Princess, the White Lotus of Kyoto: It's not Higurashi without the bat! K1 should have that thing bronzed but then he may be mistaken for little slugger. Actually I originally wanted Takano to mention that the kids ran off several skits ago and they had just not noticed but I forgot :P Oh well. Glad you liked the chapter, hope you like this one too!

To Notorious P.A.C. of the Steel Lion Clan: Yes, in fact your power level is over 9 thou...never mind, you know, we all know, we all get it... I'm fairly sure your safe from yaoi unless your looking for it but this is the interwebz so you never know...damn, now _I'm_ paranoid. Wait, you'll **_see_** me next chapter (o.o); I have to close the drapes!

To JennyKim319 Razorwind Ninja of Mount Chokai: Welcome newcomer! Not to worry about this ending cause unless you hate Rozen Maiden you can check that fic out next. I'll try to make it as funny. Fingers crossed.

To Neokage Masked Moron of East Berkly St: Your reviews are the rantings of a madman and have no place in my "so deep and serious" fanfic. I've already alerted the police to your harassment.

To Mapleleaf Syrup Mirror Ninja of the Immortal Clan: Seriously? You're expecting me to make sense after all this? My grandfather had a dream of writing a fanfic devoid of both continuity and logic. He died never knowing that dream. However his dream lives through me! Is Rena going to go crazy? I wonder?

To Tails-Coyote-Carnivore...OK your name is scary enough. You don't need a ninja name. I'm just picturing Miles "Tails" Prowler, the little fox from Sonic the Hedgehog devouring a coyote: Thanks so much for the praise and welcome. Honestly though I like quite a few other stories here and was inspired to write this by reading them. Check out Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni SAI and ine the Rozen Maiden section there's a sweet Rozen Maiden/ Higurashi hybrid called Backlash. They're good stuff!

To Zero Sakura Cross the ninja that's so ninja that his name already sounds like that of a ninja!: Being a straight male, I don't have all that much love for yaoi myself but I do find yaoi fangirls endlessly entertaining. Show them two kissing bishies at a con and the transform from quiet girl to screeching lunatic, capable of reaching speeds far beyond that of normal man. Picture? You're probably referring to what Mion said. She was referring to the yaoi pics.

To Osaka-4-Prez, master and founder of "Six-armed drunken badger" style: Oh, ummm...when I mentioned that thing about yaoi fangirls. I meant everyone except you, who is a fine upstanding citizen. Sorry about your vacation. Next time spend it at a con, like me. (Can't freaking wait!) Can't wait 4 the flash! Message me when you're done regardless of quality.

Well that about rounds up all the reviews/ good news and whatnot I had to cover so bad to mean ol' Takano and K1 (LOL, Author notes are getting as long as chapter content, LOL:

**Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Violence/Somewhat offensive humor/Spoilers/ An overabundance of nonsense/ Also this story makes no freaking sense anymore...**

Takano smiles smugly at huddled group of glaring kids. "It's not over yet..." a small voice chimes from behind the group. Everyone looks to the hall to see Hanyu standing behind them. She seems nervous at everyone now giving her their undivided attention. "Auau! I mean, you know! Right, Rika?" Rika stares at the floor.

"It's true." She confirms. "There is someone pulling the strings of this nightmare from behind the scenes." Everyone is taken back a little by the news and all start to turn toward Takano who steps back defensively.

"H-hey! Don't look at me! I've already admitted to being the bad guy!" she shouts.

"No, not her...I may be able to fix this but I need Oiishi and time." Rika says, now looking at her friends with determination in her eyes.

"Well, the audience is gone, but we're still not off the air yet..." Keiichi says, thinking out loud. Mion suddenly speaks up.

"Hey! We still have that "safety segment" To shoot!"

"No good." Rena sighs. If Rika and Oiishi leave we'll be short one cop for the sketch."

"Ha! I told you!" Takano snaps. "Hey GLaDOS." GLaDOS hovers down from the ceiling.

"Yes?"

"Lets go play cards or something while these idiot's scramble for nothing." Takano says, turning her back to the group.

"Very well, what should we play? Poker? Blackjack? GLaDOS asks following her to her dressing room.

"Uh, no.All I have is Pokemon cards." Takano responds blushing slightly.

"Good luck! I have a Mewtwo." GLaDOS responds triumphantly. Satoko looks up at the gloomy faces of her friends.

"So that's it? We're just gonna give up? What kind of man are you Keiichi?" She says pointing at him accusingly. Keiichi hangs his head.

"It's not that easy, Satoko. This is the way the grown up world works." He says quietly closing his eyes. Satoko's face twists in anger and frustration at the pathetic sight before kicking him in the shin.

"You're freaking pathetic! Grown up world?! You're no grown up! So stop talking like some depressing "know-it-all"!" She screams as Keiichi jumps up and down clutching his shin in pain.

"Damn it, Satoko! If I had an answer I'd tell you! It's not like I can snap my fingers and the answer's going to come waltzing through that door!" He snaps his fingers to illustrate his point. Just then, Dr. Irie barges through the door, panting loudly, followed by a reluctant Akasaka.

"Why...why didn't you tell wheeze me that you were doing a kid's show." Irie said hunched over trying to catch his breath. Both Keiichi and Satoko stare at the hand Keiichi just snapped with in awe.

"Awesome! Now make a pony come in!" Satoko shouts excitingly hanging off Keiichi's arm. Keiichi ignores her to respond to Dr. Irie's question. "It's because it's a kid's show that we didn't tell you! By the way Akasaka, why are you here? " Keiichi asks.

"Oh, hey! Well the good doctor here said he needed a ride. Something about an urgent matter involving you kids. Had I known this was what he was talking about I wouldn't have brought him to bug you guys." He notices Rika behind Keiichi. "Oh! Hi, Rika!" Rika smiled brightly.

"Akasaka-san! I think you saved me once again." she ran to him. "Can you help us out for a little bit? I need to go with Oiishi somewhere. Can you take his place in the next sketch?" Akasaka, taken back with everything flying at him at once, laughs scratching the back of his head.

"Well I'm no actor but if it's for Rika-chan how can I refuse?" Rike bowed deeply.

"Thank you, Akasaka." She turned her attention to Oiishi who was eating a Snickers bar by the vending machine. "Oiishi! Let's go!" She yelled making Oiishi jump smudging chocolate around his mouth.

"Eh-Where are we going?" He asked, not wiping the chocolate. Rika turned, pointing dramatically to the exit as wind blew through her hair from seemingly nowhere. "To save the day!" Oiishi smiles and shoves the remainder of the candy bar into his gaping maw.

"Right Kiddo! To the Oiishimobile!" He says grabbing his jacket.

"You mean your '82 Rambler?" Rika says in a flat tone walking toward the exit.

"How come I'm the only one who can never get away with saying something cool?" Oiishi pouts, following Rika out the door. "At least I'll always have the "Chumbawumba"..." He trails off as the exit closes behind them.

"Alright, Akasaka! You're pretty much off screen during most of this so you can read most of your lines right from the script." Keiichi hands Akasaka the papers.

"What about me?!" Irie jumps in. "I want to help teach the children!" Keiichi slaps his forehead in frustration. "Fine, fine. I think I have the perfect character for you to play." He says.

The scene begins with Akasaka, now dressed in a police uniform. "Hey kids. It's time for Officer Akasaka's safety tip for the day." The scene changes to a park where Hanyu and Satoko are walking together chatting happily. "There's a lot of nice people out there but, it's best to be aware of the bad one's." Dr. Irie walks up the two girls. "Sometimes they might ask you to go with them saying that your parents told them to pick up. "

"Hey, little girl. Your parents told me to pick you up." Irie says to Satoko, smiling politely. Satoko slugs him in the groin.

"Nice try, pervo. My parents are dead." Satoko says, as Irie falls over in pain. "Come on, Hanyu." Satoko says continuing down the path.

Akasaka's voice continues, as the scene changes to Hanyu and Satoko on a seesaw. "Some time's the bad man my try to tempt you into following him by offering you something like toys or candy. If that happens it's OK to use a lie to fool them." Irie walks over from the bushes.

"Hi, little girl. Would you like some candy?" He says holding some candy out in his outstretch palm.

"Hey Hanyu. Let him have a turn." Hanyu gets off the seesaw.

"What me? Oh sure I wouldn't mind..." He says just about to get on, when Satako quickly drops her side down causing the seesaw to hit him in the groin with enough force to send him flipping backwards.

"I'm a diabetic." Satoko say nonchalantly as Hanyu reclaims her seat on the seesaw.

Akasaka chimes in again as the scene changes once more to the two girls walking down the sidewalk. " Finally, be careful. Sometimes the bad man will be very inventive." Irie pulls alongside the girls in a van with "Disneyland or bust" written on the side.

"Sweet, Hanyu! Disneyland! Hey we'll get in the back!" Satoko yells.

"OK" Irie yells backsmiling to himself.

"Irie, I can't get in! The handle's stuck." Satoko yells from the back.

"What?" Irie says confused, as he gets out and makes his way to around the van. There he is met with a flaming, barb-wire wrapped baseball bat to the groin.

"Universal Studios is better." She shrugs, beginning to walk away. A quivering Irie holds his hand out.

"Wait! I know where Satoshi is!" He says.

"Ni-ni? Where?" She asks. Irie begins to get up.

"I'll take you in the van." He says opening the back.

"OK." She says.

"Oh, for the love of..." You can hear Akasaka say before running onto the scene, knocking Irie to the ground as Hanyu runs in fright.

"What did I do? I just wanted to teach lessons to the children on the show!" Irie yells, as Akasaka cuffs him.

"Here's a lesson for you." Akasaka grunts as he pulls Irie up. "Two young girls plus one perv equals five years."

"This is worse than that time I was on the Chris Hansen Show." Irie sulks as he's led off stage. Keiichi shakes his head, as he watches off stage with Rena.

"I hope Rika is having better luck than we are." He thinks out loud.

"Where did she go anyway?" Rena asks.

"What? Hey! Now that you mention it she never said." Keiichi realizes. Mean while in a small town in the U.S., Neokage hovers over his keyboard in a dark room face illuminated by the monitor.

"Damn, I'll never figure out how to end this!" He say to himself. "I'll write fanfic it'll be fun. What the hell was I thinking? Oh well, I'll just ramble off stupid joke chapters till people forget about this series and just never end it, and no one will be the wiser!" He submits his newest chapter before checking his online horoscope. "Let's see, Piscies. "Today you will be assaulted by an anime cop and loli." He reads aloud before closing the window. "Stupid horoscopes can apply to anyone." He says, right before Rika kicks in the door followed by Oiishi who blindly fires six round into the room before yelling.

"Freeze!"

That's it for now. Vote or I kill a kitten! Oh, and if you want to see if you're favorite Geneon anime has been resurrected by Funimation go to:

/news/2008-07-03/funimation-agrees-to-distribute-select-geneon-titles

See you soon in the unchapter!


	8. The Unchapter

Hello and Welcome to possibly the first ever unchapter. What is an unchapter? I'll explain by first saying, **YOU MUST READ THIS OR YOU WILL HAVE NO IDEA AS TO WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE REMAINDER OF THIS STORY**.

Now, unfortunatly this entry will not have any story content (you can vent now, I'll give you time) but a new entry will be made within the next 24 hours. So despite having so few votes I've decided not to cap our favorite feline, Senior Fluffybottom. Instead I gave him to a nice old couple who runs the Chinese restaurant down the street.

It seems that many people enjoy LOLing by the vote outcome. Well I guess it's time to let you know that I've deliberately wasted your time with polling on which ending to have and also led you all astray by saying there would only be one more chapter. Kind of...You see, in the spirit of Higurashi this story will have multiple outcomes. First, I will do the "Bad End", then the strange, middle-of-the-road ending, which will henceforth be referred to as the "LOL End". Finally will be the "Super Happy End". This way everyone is happy because I pump out more jokes. You can choose which ending you prefer and finally, I get more reviews .

Now I know what you might be thinking. "Neokage, you're trying to pretend like you had this all planned but in truth you're just making this crap up." Well, to that I reply, "That's some attitude you've got, buddy. Besides you're wrong I've had these next three chapters planned out for weeks and have already began working on two more stories. So what's the hold up? Reviews, in the end those are the life blood that keeps this absurdity alive and I have to give you time to post 'em. Besides coming up with these jokes is the easy part. Writing is time consuming. Finally, about those afore mentioned stories I'm working on. I'd like to announce my next two projects, Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei: An Original Copy, and Rozen Maiden: AN Off Key Jingle. I hope they keep you guys laughing. I'll save review responses till the "Bad End" chapter. See ya within 24 hours!


	9. Bad End

**Author's Note**: Hello and welcome to all those who decided not to say, "screw this guy" after I posted a chapter with no content other than how to read the rest of this. It's all part of my plan. 1) Build fanbase, 2) Piss off fanbase, 3)??, 4) Profit. Anyway let's get to the review responses:

To our newcomer, Alexander the Indiscriminate: Wow, thanks for the praise. You made this sir/ madam's day. It's pretty cool knowing that I went from being inspired to write this to inspiring others by writing it. Thumbs up for the awesome "Engrish" ending to your review, "Let's positive thinking".

To Mapleleaf Syrup: Happy birthday! To bad all I gave ya was another chapter but I guess it's still better than nothing. Will I get caught? Well I guess it depends on which ending you choose. Oh hell, I'm not even gonna pretend that you guys aren't going to read all three.

To Zero Sakura Cross: Sorry about the mix up. Your blank profile shrouds you in mystery. Earlier chapters have been edited. Rena went into cute mode in chapter one. Remember with the Rika kidnapping? Akasaka has and aura of badass. Remember in season 2 when he was taking on those soldiers? He was all like "Waaaaaaa! Shoriuken!" OK, I'm geeking out now. Back to the reviews.

To Osaka-4-Prez: Damn, when I saw the other review by Suffocated Entity talking about the Oiishi flash I was like, "How many people are working on this flash?!" I could just imagine Youtube getting flooded with shirtless Oiishi flashes, bringing about the end of all mankind after all the Youtube viewers claw their own eyes out. I won't tell anyone about your alter-ego but I think the secrets out.

To Notorious P.A.C.: Universal rocks especially the King Kong ride. Well, now it looks like you can read this last chapter and continue looking forward to the next last chapter...and then the next one.

To Ai Princess: Was that mentioning the bullhook cleaver a hint?LOL I'm glad you enjoyed both the chapter and the name "White Lotus of Kyoto" I'll do another themed review response next time but since I promised to have this out in 24 hours I don't have time to be creative at the last second:.

To Captain Dioxys: The sad thing is I know exactly what sound effect you're talking about. In fact I just made it into a ring tone for my roommate a couple weeks ago. However I don't see how I could apply the sound effect to the is story. Example: "Where are the cookies?" Keiichis asks, turning to Rena. Rena smiles, saying "What the fu-" and then explodes. As you can see it doesn't have the same impact as actually listening to the sound effect. Thanks for the suggestion though.

To Tails-Coyote-Carnivore: That's tough. I don't think you can change you're user name without creating a whole new account. Oh well. Glad you enjoyed the chapter!

And now The Happy, Happy Hinamazawa Hour ending chapter number one: Bad End. Recrap!

**Rated: T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Somewhat offensive humor, spoiler, and blood and gore and gore and blood  
**

Rika and Oiishi kick down the door. As soon as it opens Oiishi fires six shots into the room before yelling. "Freeze!" Rika gasps in surprise before slapping her forehead.

"Oiishi-san! Your supposed to yell that before you fire!" Oiishi scratches the back of his head blushing slightly.

"Sorry, sorry it's not very often I get to use this thing." He says before they both turn and look into the room to see Neokage on the floor in a puddle of blood. Rika slowly walks over to get a better look.

"He's dead." She says flatly.

"Are you sure?! How are we going to get him to write us a happy ending now? Wait! Let's just use his computer! We'll write it ourselves!" He says opening a window to .

"No good." Rika says with a sigh "He's already logged out."

"So what happens to us now?" Oiishi mumbles out loud.

"The stage has been set.Things will take their course. However it was a pretty ugly stage when we left." Rika says looking out the window with a grim expression.

Meanwhile, back at the studio the cast is waiting nervously for a call from the headquarters as the credits roll.

"I hope we get the call from the boss soon." Shion says pacing back and forth.

"Why? unless Rika comes up with something we're all screwed." Keiichi says laying on a couch with his arms folded behind his head.

"Well, I just got off the phone with the boss." Takano chimes in loudly as she walks into the room.

"What? What did he say?" Rena says, as the whole group turn their attention to the Takano.

"Well, surprisingly enough he sounded rather excited. He'll be here within a couple minutes to give us his decision as to what the future of this show is." Takano said with a disappointed look on her face.

"I...I don't get it. How could he be happy? This entire show was wreck from the beginning!" Keiichi says with a smile slowly spreading across his face. "Rika must have done something to make this happen. That has to be it."

"I guess that could be what happened." Mion mumbles to herself.

"Well, if I have to be the bad guy next season I'm quitting. I'm sick of having my ass kicked by a bunch of kids" Takano says, sulking in the corner as GLaDOS tries to console her. The exit door opens to reveal a short man in a suit, with sunglasses followed by three other business men.

"Ladies and gentleman, glad to have you all together like this...ur, where are Rika and Oiishi?" The obvious boss of the group asks as the cast all stand at attention.

"Um, sorry sir but they are out on an errand." Keiichi says.

"I see, I see." The boss says. "Well then you all will just have to relay the message to them later. Well first the bad news. The show is a wash. Well, except for Takano's sketch. It registered very well with our viewers so she will be getting her own weekly educational show." Takano glistens with delight.

"Really?! Oh boss, your praise is too much. However if you think my show will help the company, I'd be more than happy to oblige." She squeals in happiness as everyone else begins to slip into a deep depression.

"We...I tried so hard. All for nothing," Rena mumbled to herself, staring at the floor with tearful eyes. Keiichi sees her out of the corner of his eye and puts his hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, Rena. It's going to be OK." he whispers. feeling sorry for her.

"Oh, as for you Keiichi-san." The boss continues. "We have a new show for you as well."

"Um, me sir?" Keiichi points at himself in confusion.

"Thats right son. For some reason the demand for SatoshiXKeiichi yaoi has doubled since the airing of this program. Therefore in the interest of ratings we have decided to begin airing the Keiichi/ Satoshi Ero Hour!" The boss announces pointing his finger to the sky triumphantly.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Keiichi wails in slow motion, dropping to his knees like the countless death scenes we've all seen in the movies.

"Yes in fact we've revived Satoshi and brought him to the studio to begin shooting." The boss says as a very out-of-it Satoshi walks in.

"Ni-ni!" yells Satoko running to her brother. At this point a handcuffed to the radiator Dr. Irie looks up.

"Wait! What is Satoshi doing here?! I still haven't cured his level 5 yet!" Satoshi smiles looking down at Satoko who is now embracing him.

"Satoko, it's been a while. I'm glad to see you're doing ok. I hope our aunt wasn't too strict with you." Satoko looks up at Satoshi a little concerned.

"Ni-ni? What are you talking about? Our aunt is dead. She's been dead for a long time." Satoshi smiles at her as he begins walking across the room.

"I don't know what your talking about. She's right there." Satoshi says the smile quickly dropping from his face as he picks up the aluminum baseball bat that was leaning between the wall and the couch. He begins to walk toward GLaDOS pausing to turn to Keiichi. He holds up the bat. "Thanks for taking care of this for me." Satoshi smiles before swinging the bat down on GLaDOS. The orb breaks from the mechanical arm causing a dented, sparking GLaDOS to sputter on the floor. Everyone in the room gasps.

"Not to worry." GLaDOS says in a buzzing voice. "I'm still alive-" She is cut short by a follow up strike of the bat. Takano throws herself over her friend as Satoshi strikes the center of her back.

"Why are you protecting her?!" He yells before being taken back by what he thought he saw. "You...you're her too!" He bellows before going for another swing. All three business men and Akasaka stop him attempting to wrestle him to the floor. Rena runs into Rika's dressing room and locks the door. She fumbles frantically through the drawers of a dresser and pulls out a cell phone.Meanwhile back at Neokage's house, Oiishi is just about done digging a hole in the backyard to hide the body when his cellphone goes off.

"Hello. Oiishi here." he says, a little winded as he wipes his brow with a handkerchief. "Ryugu-san? Calm down. I can hardly understand you. OK, OK I'll be right there." He says snapping his cell phone shut before running into the house. He runs into the bedroom where Rika is attempting to clean the blood. "We have to go. Something horrible is happening at the studio!" He yells from the door. Rika sighs.

"I knew it." she whispers to herself. "Oiishi-san you go. I'll continue to take care of this mess. It sounds like I won't be much help where you're going anyway." She says looking down at the blood on the floor. "Leave the gun. I'll bury that too. It's evidence."

"Umm, sure. Are you sure you're OK kiddo?" He says placing the gun on the chair in front of the computer.

"Mii? This is just a lot to take in on one day. Don't worry, there's always a tomorrow. Nipa!" She responds putting on her fake smile. Oiishi smiles before running to his car. As Rika listens to the cars engine trail off she picks up the revolver. "There's always tomorrow..." She says flatly before putting the barrel of the gun in her mouth. She closes her eyes before pulling the trigger to only hear an empty click. She drops the gun laughing bitterly. "That's right. Six, he fired six." She whispers as she walks downstairs into the kitchen. "I guess you can't beat tradition." She picks up a large kitchen knife from the sink. "...but I'm getting so tired of this." she whispers as she braces the knife against the wall.

2 hours later...

Oiishi pulls up to the station and runs inside to a bloody mess. He holds the handkerchief over his face in disgust. "Oh god, Satoshi. What did you you do." He says quietly. "Hello? Is anyone in here still alive!" He yells as he tries to identify the corpses. A small whimper emits from a small pile of bodies on the stage. Oiishi picks up the aluminum bat to push the bodies off of each other. He cringes as soon as he realizes the body he's moving. Akasaka. He pulls the body by the legs the reveal Satoshi with his neck sliced. "Satoshi?! This doesn't make any sense." He says.

"Sure it does." A voice behind Oiishi chirps pleasantly. He whirls around in surprise and is met with the point of the the bull-hook cleaver in the stomach. He falls to his knees.

"Ryugu-san ...why?" Oiishi wheezes, his eyes wide more from surprise than pain. Rena stands over him leaning on the handle of the blade.

"A girl can only take so much in one day, Oiishi-san. Kei-kun with his do this and do that. The Boss who just throws us away when we're inconvenient. But the worst..." she says shaking as she begins scratching her neck"... was when they wouldn't let me take Rika home!!" She raises her blade above Oiishi.

"...But then why did you ...call for help." Oiishi asks beginning to lose consciousness.

"I needed a car." She smiles before swinging the blade down.

A few minutes later, Rena gets into Oiishi's car. She takes off her bloody hat and puts it on the passenger seat and adjusts the rear view mirror so she can see the two girls bound and gagged in the back seat. "Are you two comfortable?" Rena asks now scratching her neck to the point of bleeding. She turns to Hanyu and Satoko with a pleasant grin,"You two are gonna love living at my place!"

Bad End


	10. LOL End

**Author's Note:** Hello and welcome to our second ending. The one everyone seems to be all excited about. The one everyone more or less voted for (I was the only one who voted for the bad end to keep it from being a landslide, LOL). The people have spoken and they crave nonsense. Now most people view nonsense as stupid and a waste of time however, to those people I say poppycock, malarchy, and even fiddle dee dee. We, the fine people standing here (or rather sitting separately in our homes) know the truth! That true nonsense, that is pure and untouched by the dirty hands of logic is a truly enjoyable thing. Also if you grind it down to a powder and sell it on the black market it can fetch a pretty penny with those into Chinese medicine. I actually wanted to do this whole chapter, convert it to "wingdings" format, then submit it for the first two days then switch it back... but the website won't let me.(--;) It would have been an awesome prank but oh well. So let's turn from the dark lands of the Bad End and celibate our absurdity with the LOL End! (Yay, Cheers, Confetti, Clowns...oh, wait I just saw Dark Knight. We can skip the clowns) First though, Review Responses! B rated movie title edition.

To SasusakuXNaruhina: Blood Barrage 4- LOL! When I first read your review I was like,"Neo-chan? Who the hell is that? Satoshi...wait, cake...being a Rika? What?!". I think I figured out everything you wrote after an extensive analysis in my secret laboratory. First, congrats for being the first person to ever call me Neo-chan. Second, it was Irie's sedatives that kept Satoshi unconscious, not the illness. Without treatment level 5 of the Hinamazawa syndrome causes the victim to have an uncontrollable feeling of paranoia, panic and fear. What's worse is it causes the victims glands to itch uncontrollably. However the victim is usually too overcome with panic to notice that they are slowly tearing at their own throats. So without sedatives Satoshi would not be unconscious, he'd be dead. With that bright note let's move on to the blockbuster hit...

Tails-Coyote-Carnivore and Erenst go to camp- Lovely wasn't what I was going for but I guess that works. Look forward no more it's here:).

Zero Sakura Cross: Hour of Atonement- OK, answers in same order as questions: 1)In the Bad end Takano wins by default but not really because she got the show then died. 2) Fear not, I'm done with the Yaoi humor. I played that joke into the ground. 3) And don't worry about Rika either. She has a reset button. 4)I knew you were mocking a song but I have no unearthly idea who JT is. In fact, I listen to just about nothing but Jpop/ Jrock at this point. Most new music on the radio sux anyway. (Yeah, yeah I know. I'm a weeaboo/ otaku/ what ever. I'm comfortable with it at this point. 5) I always figured Rena thought of the lolis as big dolls. (Extra 1) Right on! Shion was by far the most efficient killer. She took out most of the cast! (extra 2) Big heads are a side effect of being in a MOE anime.

Ai Princess VS. The Hydra - Yeah I thought about having a reaction from Shion too but I wanted to get to the gory stuff. ;Hey, you asked for cleaver I gave ya cleaver. I live to entertain.

traCky skAAr: nOt of tHis eaRTh- Wait...what sucks? I thought it was a very happy ending for Rena...oh wait. She's gonna claw her throat out. Well then for Satoko and Hanyu... Well no being bound like that they'll probably die of thirst before they're rescued. That does suck.

Alexander the Indiscriminate VS. Whoever- Yaoi fangirls do often wield power because the often arm themselves with paddles. I do recognize that saying and it's pissing me off that I can't remember the anime it's from. Source? Finally I will leave you with words of wisdom as well. A taco in hand is worth three in the bush if you try squeezing blood for the eggs that haven't been hatched because they were all in the same basket because you were too busy crying over spilled salt.

Mapleleaf Syrup: The final countdown!- Rena is one of the most popular in the series I figured she had to go nuts at least once. Let's just assume whatever she does with the things she brings home is completely innocent and swiftly change the subject.

captain deoxys from blood lake- I think you are confusing my fanfic with an old episode of "Keenan and Kal". For more information on screws and tuna don't bother checking your local library. However you may want to reference "Snick" from the mid to late 90's. Thanks for the AWESOME.

Notorious P.A.C.: As Florida Burns- That's right, you burned Florida. To defend the honor of your theme parks. Thanks again and here we go onto the next ending. Oh and since this got the most votes it will be the longest ending too!

**Rated:T Genre: Comedy/Parody Warning: Violence/Somewhat offensive humor/ Spoilers/ Nonsense/ some side effects include but are not limited to: dry mouth, dizziness, nausea, mild kidney explosions, and an irresistible need facepalm. Recrap!**

Rika and Oiishi kick down the door. As soon as it opens Oiishi fires six shots into the room before yelling. "Freeze!" Rika gasps in surprise before slapping her forehead.

"Oiishi-san! Your supposed to yell that before you fire!" Oiishi scratches the back of his head blushing slightly.

"Sorry, sorry it's not very often I get to use this thing." He says before they both turn and look into the room to see Neokage on the floor in a puddle of blood. Rika slowly walks over to get a better look.

"You shot him in the head." Rika states flatly.

"Is he alive?" Oiishi asks, somewhat concerned.

"Oddly enough, yes but we have a new problem now." She says stepping aside to give Oiishi a better view.

"durrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." Neokage says now cross-eyed and drooling.

"Awww, damn it! We broke his brain." Oiishi says.

"We?! How can you say that when _you're _holding the smoking gun?! Literally!" Rika turns looking back down at Neokage. "Never mind that we have to see if we can patch this idiot up."

"Why don't we just write it?" Oiishi asks scratching his head. Rika gets a far off look in her eyes.

"Bad things happen to those who try to strong arm their own fate as well a the fates of those around them. look what happened to Takano last season." She says. "You try to patch him up. I'll see if I can find a replacement author." She runs out the door.

Oiishi sighs before picking up bits of brain off the floor. "Do a show, Oiishi. Give me a ride, Oiishi. Attempt brain surgery, Oiishi. Worst day of my life." Rika runs down the stairs and out the front door. She looks up and down the street frantically looking for somebody, anybody. She smiles suddenly when she sees an elderly man down the street a bit watering his garden. She begins to run happily to him, but stops short.

"What am I thinking? I can't ask just anybody to waltz into a strangers house and write a story while we preform brain surgery on him in the same room! They would call the police! And not Oiishi, but the _real_ police! Who though? Who not only wouldn't care, but even if he did, no one would listen to him." Rika looks further down the street and sees and hobo cooking a boot at he base of the abandoned mill. Minutes later Rika walks into the room with the hobo as Oiishi is kneeling on a bloody towel covered with various power tools and two squirrels in a cage.

"Who's he?" Oiishi asks looking up.

"The names Scruffy. Want to buy a transmission to a Chevy?" Says the hobo.

"What's with the squirrels?" Rika asks flatly.

"Well, I was just thinking, why just repair him when we can reinvent him. We can make him faster, stronger, squirrelier!" Oiishi says excitingly.

"Let the squirrels go, and just put him back the way we found him. Now Scruffy, all you have to do is finish this story and make everyone in it happy at the end then you can have the rest of my Jack Daniels." Rika says, pulling the chair out for scruffy.

"Well, OK." says Scruffy, sitting down. "Seems like an odd request. Then again I haven't slept in five days and am on 4 different prescriptions that don't belong to me."

"Just get to work." Rika says.

"OK, mommy." Scruffy says before he starts typing.

Meanwhile back in the studio the cast is waiting nervously for a call from the headquarters as the credits roll.

"I hope we get the call from the boss soon." Shion says pacing back and forth.

"Why? unless Rika comes up with something we're all screwed." Keiichi says laying on a couch with his arms folded behind his head.

"Well, I just got off the phone with the boss." Takano chimes in loudly as she walks into the room.

"What? What did he say?" Rena says, as the whole group turn their attention to the Takano.

"He says to buy a transmission to a Chevy from Scruffy." Takano says excitingly.

"Yays!" They cheer.

"Hey Mion!" Shion says. "Let's totally make out..."

"Stop!" Rika yells, causing Scruffy to stop typing. "What the hell is this?" Rika asks pointing to the monitor.

"You said to make everyone happy. Well selling my transmission and hot twins making out makes Scruffy happy." Scruffy says, smiling with his one good tooth.

"Deals off! Get outta here! You're creeping me out, anyway." Rika says pointing at the door angrily.

"Fine, but I'm raiding the fridge before I leave." Scruffy says before leaving the room.

"Any luck on your end, Oiishi?" Rika asks unscrewing the cap to the bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Despite the lack of squirrels, yes." Oiishi says pouting before propping up Neokage who immediately responds with.

"It's a magical Leoplauridon, Charley! He has shown us the way to Candy Mountain!" Rika hits off the bottle.

"I don't know he seems pretty stupid still."

"Oh wait! I forgot to apply the Neosporin!" Oiishi says before applying it to the head wound.

"What...where am I..." Neokage sits up holding his heavily bandaged head. Rika smiles.

"Neosporin, is there anything it can't do?" She asks.

"It can't bring a dead hooker back to life." Oiishi mumbles to himself.

"Huh? What was that, Oiishi?" Rika asks.

"I said Salma Hayek looks pretty nice." Oiishi says clearly.

"Oh, yes she does. Anyway, sorry for shooting you in the head but now that we cured you of bullet headedness and brain damage we need you to finish your fan fiction and give it a happy ending so we all keep our jobs and live happily ever after." Rika says changing her voice back to that of a child.

"You know the innocent child act is a little more believable when you're not holding a bottle of Jack." Neokage says struggling to his feet. "And besides that, screw you both! You shot me in the head why should I help you?!"

"Aww, come on we took the bullet out..." Rika says sweetly before dropping the act and returning to her adult voice. "besides if you don't we'll just put that bullet right back in your freaking skull! Oiishi here is a cop and you seem like your resisting arrest, if you catch my drift."

"Fine I'll finish this damn story. Then you leave." Neokage says in defeat, taking his seat in front of the computer. Rika watched over his shoulder while Oiishi sat on the floor playing with the squirrels.

Meanwhile back at the studio...

"Well, I just got off the phone with the boss." Takano chimes in loudly as she walks into the room.

"What? What did he say?" Rena says, as the whole group turn their attention to the Takano.

"Well he said he'll be coming in right..." Takano is cut off the boss and three business men walking in.

"Ladies and gentleman, glad to have you all together like this...ur, where are Rika and Oiishi?" The obvious boss of the group asks as the cast all stand at attention.

"Um, sorry sir but they are out on an errand." Keiichi says.

"I see, I see." The boss says. "Well then you all will just have to relay the message to them later. Well this show certainly didn't go as well as we had hoped but luckily the DVD sale of Higurashi have gone through the roof!" The boss says smiling brightly. The cast look at each other in confusion before Mion raises her hand.

"We're very happy about this news, boss but I'm afraid we don't understand. I thought the masses wanted to lynch us for ruining society and stuff." The boss laughs.

"Well that is indeed what the news said. Luckily those idiots forgot that no publicity is bad publicity. Especially when dealing with a young fan base. You tell a million kids not to buy something because it's too gory what the first thing they're gonna do? That said, we have just green lit another OVA for the Higurashi series!" The whole cast cheers in unison except Takano who pushes through the happy crowd to make her way to the boss.

"You can't do this, boss! I can't be a villain for another season." She says on the verge of tears. The boss hands her a handkerchief.

"Oh, not to worry my dear. We don't need you this season. Besides your contract is up. Thank you for all your hard work." Takano freezes, as the gravity of his words sink in. Keiichi hearing this turns to the boss.

"Oh yeah! What is this OVA going to be about? I'm sure there's going to be another genius twist and more deep, amazing adventures will follow." The boss gives him a thumbs up.

"You bet! First Rika wakes up in a world where no one kills anyone but she's still sad." Everyone looks at each other with a puzzled feeling of disappointment.

"That's it...?" Shion asks.

"Nope! That's only the first half!" The boss responds. The whole cast sighs in relief.

"Oh thank god...I'm sure then it leads into frightening mystery with supernatural undertones." Keiichi says.

"Thats right! In the second half Rena swallows a magic medallion where if someone has the other medallion they fall in love with her." The cast all stare in silence as a tumbleweed rolls through the studio.

"Well...at least we still have jobs." Keiichi finally breaks the silence.

THE END

Neokage saves the document to with a sigh. "OK it's done. Now can you get out?" Rika drinks the last of the liquor in her bottle.

"I guess that'll do. Come on Oiishi, let's go home." Neokage hears the door downstairs close and walks to his window to watch the two drive off.

"Good bye, drunken-emo-loli and overweight cop. I'll never forget you... because I'll always have a scar from the bullet you popped into my forehead to remind me everytime I look in the mirror."

40 years later...

A now overweight and bald Keiichi sits in front of his computer in his living room. "That was the best summer of my youth." He typed. " They were my best friends. Rika eventually kicked the sauce and found Jesus. It turns out the guy was hiding in the storage room of Oyashiro's shrine. Weird. Anyway she and Hanyu now work with the church hosting A.A. meetings. Satako got a job with Takano working at the Aperture Enrichment Center. Takano as a doctor and Satoko as...you know, they never said what Satoko was going to be doing there. Regardless I had heard that Satoko and GLaDOS had a bit of a falling out which resulted in an explosion at the center. Satoko's still out there somewhere with that experimental gun. Onibaba, ur I mean Oryo Sonosaki died at the ripe old age of one hundred and two in a cliff diving accident. Mion inherited almost the whole estate. Except the Sonosaki Ice cream shop which was the only thing she left Shion. Despite that Shion visits her grave every week..." He's interupted by an equally old looking Mion walking in.

"Honey, I brought you your tea." She said putting the mug on his work desk.

"Thank you, dear." He says sipping it as he continues typing."...to dance on it. Dr. Irie was released on good behavior for developing a cure to the Hinamazawa syndrome. Which was used to revive and cure Satoshi. Unfortunately, after he was revived he went to trial for the murder of his aunt and put to death. Oiishi and Akasaka got there own show for a while. A cop drama by the name of "Jake and the obese man". Rena took over the Angel Mort and hooked yours truly up with all the free sweets he wanted. Unfortunately, that may have had something to do with me getting diabetes later. I can't complain though. I have a wonderful wife, and married into wealth. I even turned my Diabetes to my benefit." A stage hand walks in from the kitchen.

"5 minutes until we shoot the commercial, Mr. Maebara." He says. Keiichi gets up from his desk and walks into the kitchen where he takes his place behind the counter. The stage hand signals Keiichi.

"...and where rolling. Action."

"Hello, I'm Keiichi Maebara. You know I have diabeetus and I'm here to tell you about liberty medical..."

THE REAL END...UNTIL THE GOOD ONE


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